walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
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I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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