Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
whose parrot is this?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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