...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
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Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
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TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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