Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
