there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
only you would photoshop your dick
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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