its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
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I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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