and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
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Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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