I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
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Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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