morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
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She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
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So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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