If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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