I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
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you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
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when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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