so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
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Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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