I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
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Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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