1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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