i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
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I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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