Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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