Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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