Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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