I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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