Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
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unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
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i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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