i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
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I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
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He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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