I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
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We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
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We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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