The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
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I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
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I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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