So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
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There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
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I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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