when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize