I met the friendliest cop last night
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
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Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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