Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Semen is not good for contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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