I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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