I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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