I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
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That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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