I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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