Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize