what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
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I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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