This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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