I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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