i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you didnt know i had herpes?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
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Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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