I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
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he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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