Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize