I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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