I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
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I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
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Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Im part way to drunk.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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