I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
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All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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