Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
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She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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