i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
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I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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