Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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