You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
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There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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