my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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