why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
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he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
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Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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