It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
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I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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