You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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