i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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