FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
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When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
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I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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